By Kayla Gerber
Any wrong move and you can be cancelled. Any slip up and you’re going into hiding and moving across the country. *Cue Olivia Jade USC Scandal* At UCLA, cancel culture is the worst. There are several ways to get seriously cancelled… like you may need to switch schools because the hate you get from your peers WILL be that bad. If it gets to that point and you can no longer pursue your academic career, I recommend becoming a social influencer, or even better, a Tiktoker. Anything to pay the bills. Anything will get you canceled, so it is SUPER important to avoid partaking in the following actions.
How to Get Canceled at UCLA (proceed with caution in all activities):
1. Voluntarily signing up for an 8am
This is just low. There are 24 hours in the day… pick another hour that’s not at the crack of dawn. Nobody wants to hear your alarm clock going off 15 times before you realize it’s time to drag your ass down to class. Or in 2021, embark on the long journey to your living room. Your roommates will hate you and so will I. #cancelled
2. Taking game day photos but not going to the game
Some diehard fans of Chip Kelly are seriously triggered by this. Do you even know the rules of football? However, I don’t blame you. It doesn’t take going to the game to know that UCLA lost yet again. But go Bruins, am I right?
3. Talking to anyone who goes to USC
This is downright disgusting. Stop fraternizing with the enemy. Nobody likes a trojan or a traitor. Why Olivia Jade paid that much to get into that school, we’ll never know. #FUSC
4. Using trays at the dining hall
Spotted, a freshman carrying a tray at FEAST with 5 plates of dumplings stacked on top of one another, waiting to shatter at any second. —Regards, an embarrassed sophomore who would absolutely never.
5. Going to class on a Friday
Stop ruining all your group plans. People will think you’re not fun and only here to study… you’re making UCLA look bad. You probably don’t even know what Thirsty Thursday is.
6. Setting the curve in Chem 14B
I heard this class was hard…be a G and take the L for the team.
7. Dressing head-to-toe in UCLA gear
We already know what school you go to… it’s not a flex anymore. However, the 3 Cs you got during Fall quarter are, and we’re wondering just how you did it.
8. You stand next to Ackerman with a clipboard and petition
Stop making me feel like a shitty person for not donating $100000 to save the Turtles. Leave me alone and let me walk to class in peace. P.S. You’re the reason people hate Bruin Walk.
9. Saying you’re not a fan of In-N-Out
This is probably one of the most offensive things you can hear. You’re insulting the one thing Americans can do best: eat bomb-ass burgers.
10. Being Vegan
Nobody likes you because you won’t go to In-N-Out #vegans-are-over-party
11. Making out with ugly nerds at The Study
Stop that, people eat here. This is a place of study, not the basement of a frat house.
12. You live in Hedrick Summit
You may not be fully cancelled for this, but nobody wants to walk that far. You probably don’t have any friends or hookups who would dedicate an hour of their life just to reach your dorm. Sorry.
13. You Created Duo-Mobile
Being cancelled just isn’t enough. We all dislike you. Sincerely, EVERY UCLA student who ever existed.