By Micha Balourdas
Step 1: Print Terrible Flyers
You might think that the best way to attract new members to your club would be to print well-designed, glossy flyers with clear contact information. Wrong. Students should mistake your flyers for toilet paper. First, find a printer that’s almost out of ink – you’re going for borderline illegible here – and buy the lowest quality colored paper that Target sells. Print at least 100k copies – there’s over 30k undergraduate students at UCLA and doctors say you have to read something 3 times to really understand it. After you have all your printed pages, cut out your flyers. I recommend doing this blindfolded so that you always cut off the most important information. Put your flyers in a disorganized
Step 2: Master the Art of Borderline Harassment
Look, you just need to accept that no one is going to take your flyer out of genuine interest. But who cares – it’s not about getting people to go to your club, it’s about getting rid of your flyers. Stand in the middle of Bruin Walk and shout some washedup slogan into the face of every scared freshman that walks by. If they’re not peeing themselves, you’re not yelling loud enough. And don’t be afraid to yell at 8am warriors with their headphones in. Those pretentious nerds deserve it.
Step 3: Block the Exits
Most people choose to flyer on Bruinwalk because it’s in the center of campus, but there a lot of high-traffic areas that are also great, such as the corner of Strath and Gayley, the lecture hall in Broad, and the second floor men’s restroom in Powell. Keep in mind that visible escape routes are just as important as foot traffic. Be prepared for the most weaselly freshman and position a flyerer at every possible exit. The bike path on Bruinwalk? Covered. Janss steps? Covered. The stairwell in Ackerman? Covered. Did that STEM major really think he was going to avoid your flyer by going to the South-Campus route? Please! Put yourself right in the middle of the crowded hallway between MS and Geology and shove that flyer down his throat.
Step 4: Target the Weak
Nobody actually wants to flyer on Bruinwalk – they just do it because they think it’ll help them become president of their club. The faster you get rid of your flyers, the better you are at flyering, right? I’ve identified the weakest groups on campus – these are people who are guaranteed to take your flyers just to avoid a stern glance. In order of easiest-to-guilt-into-takingyour-flyer, these are:
Moms on tours
Literally anyone from South Campus
Other people who are flyering
International tourists who think UCLA is an amusement park
If none of these groups pass you, just target kids who look like they would sit in the front of a 300-person lecture.
Step 5: Accept Failure
You might as well just throw away your flyers for people. Chances are, you’ve over-advertised (I’m looking at you Dance Marathon) and you are thoroughly hated on campus. Mission accomplished. Yeet your whole stack of flyers in the trash and call it a day. The best part about flyering is that it has absolutely no impact… why change that now?
If any of this doesn’t make sense, just study the “Scuse me can I ask you a question” guy – he’s a pro.