Satire

A Moment of Silence for the Daily Bruin

As the Editor-in-Chief of the Bruin Review, I wanted to follow in the footsteps of the Daily Bruin (who wisely offered condolences for themselves) by asking our readers to remove their hats and observe a moment of silence for the tragedy that has befallen the DB staff. I cannot imagine the heartache that DB upper management and a few of the writers are going through.

Earlier this quarter the Communications Board, which oversees and allocates funding to the Daily Bruin, took a step within their bounds to elect an Editor-in-Chief not fully supported by the Daily Bruin staff. To betray an unspoken and undocumented rule is an offence worthy of publicly shaming the few who despotically took their own prerogative. The DB members chosen to review applicants spent hours deliberating and coming to their conclusion. Since when, throughout all of history, has a group of individuals put time and effort into something and not received precisely what they wanted? 58% of the staff recommended a completely different candidate than who was chosen by the Communications Board! Even though this figure is derived out of a population far less than 100 persons, we find the 8% significant and democratically demanding.

A fraction of the Daily Bruin staff has already enacted the only punishment fit for the crime – massive strike! There is no better way to punish one’s philanthropic provider than to stop working for an indefinite period. Researchers have shown that temper-tantrums prove effective for toddlers in getting what they want from their guardians. The DB’s scaled effort using this research is sure to beget a similar result.

Without the Daily Bruin’s narrowly-chosen – but proper – leader, what will they ever do? The Communication Board is obviously not familiar with the effectiveness of the correct, democratically elected, and omnipotent leader; 20th century history most graciously provides superfluous examples. Without the correct individual at the top, how can the other 99% of “independent student journalists” function?

The strike by some of the DB staff is heroic and meaningful. Putting aside your responsibilities to get what you want is a laudable tactic. There is, however, one result which can be seen as a negative. Without the entanglement of multi-level bureaucracy that the administrators supply, relevant and significant news might come to print – where would one find important news like the reporting of trees falling down, both on and off campus? Such a change from the typical narrative of the award-winning publication might inadvertently lead to an increase in readership, and thus a fall in charitable employment. Need I remind you of the jobs the Daily Bruin graciously provides to those who distribute the stacks of prints in the morning and pick them up, untouched, at the end of the day?

The Daily Bruin has, thus far, done an excellent job of showing the Communications Board they can self-sustain without free-riding on every undergraduates’ tuition. A simple increase in advertising from half the surface area of each print edition to three-quarters might just cover the costs to pay their striking student-editors – a wonderful display of independence! I fully support the actions taken by this particular, mostly-paid cohort of Daily Bruin staff. There will always be a number of blind loyalists willing to independently report for such a decorated publication. All that matters, after all, is getting dough and signaling morality.

By: Joe Rainey, Editor-in-Chief

One thought on “A Moment of Silence for the Daily Bruin

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