By Larry Chen
Dear Mr. News,
I am a new student at UCLA with a sensitive stomach. Because of my proclivity to poop, I find myself frequenting the lavatorial establishments of my destinations. Can you make me a guide showing off the best spots around campus for my next emergency discharge?
Hello Mr. Brownout,
Fear not! As a “Leaky Larry,” I am quite familiar with the various restrooms around campus. The following are my Top 4 Favorite Bathrooms on Campus, ranked on unique features, excursion variety, and wonder factor.
#4: Next to Haines A28
For those looking to take a #2, this porcelain palace offers nothing out of the ordinary. However, my fellow “Tinkle Tonys” will find an exclusive experience waiting for them—“The Standoff.” Two rows of urinals, split by a thin walkway of slick tiles. The porcelain soldiers stand at attention, staring each other down, their bottom lips nearly touching. Aspiring bathroom-goers must balance their way through “The Standoff” to reach their urinal of choice. A pair of two will find themselves so close together, that they can lean back-to-back while relieving themselves. If one (or both) individuals are wearing a backpack, both leak-takers will have the added sensation of riding horseback, as they are forced to straddle the urinal basins.
#3: The Boelter Hall Collection
Grime appreciators will no doubt find much to appreciate in the bathrooms of Boelter Hall. Affectionately known by fans as the “Dookie Dungeons,” the state of these washrooms is a byproduct of its most frequent users, engineering majors. Having not taken showers in weeks, this particular breed of UCLA student will leave gunk wherever they go. One of the key features of these bathrooms are the door handles. Their unnatural shine comes from the accumulation of hand oils from CS majors. Being “too busy” with their C++ endeavors to use napkins, they instead wipe their hands on the doorknobs. The trail of unbridled filth continues into the stalls. Again, under the pretense of being “swamped with work,” these students cannot be bothered to aim their streams, coating the toilet seats and walls. Then, finished with their handiwork, the engineers will scurry home, not to work on projects, but instead to get ready for a night of unsuccessfully hitting on girls. The only clean part of these bathrooms are the sinks—they appear to be completely unused.
#2: Ackerman A level, Women’s
As a “Careful Connor”, I often pass by this bathroom on the way to get my Covid tests. I have never actually been inside this bathroom. However, the one visible part is intensely intriguing—the lounge area inside. A couch? And a table? IN A BATHROOM? High-quality furniture, let alone a seating area, is an idea completely alien from my schema of bathrooms. However, it is not the seating area that warrants this bathroom’s high placement on my list, but rather the questions that it inspires. What other wonders could be hiding in there? Golden faucets? Heated toilet seats? An ice cream machine? This air of mystery and intrigue are what bring A level to its well deserved #2 spot.
#1: Lower Powell
Upon first seeing sights like the Pyramids of Giza or the Famunda, people are struck with awe, asking themselves how these things could possibly have been made by humans. The Great Pee Pool in the Lower Powell Men’s Bathroom inspires the same sense of wonder in me. Enormously large and in the middle of the walkway, the Great Pee Pool should be considered amongst the man-made wonders of the world. Equally fascinating as the pool’s size is its missing source. There are no leaking toilets or dripping sinks. Are people just urinating on the ground? “Curious Carls” may also find themselves wondering why there are no wet floor signs. Make sure to keep an eye out for those brave and mysterious individuals who walk through the pond as if it’s not there.
I hope this guide serves as a useful starting point for your foray into the wonderful world that is bathrooms at UCLA. I am sure that as you spend more time at this school, you will find restrooms that fit your fancy. For more information and recommendations, check out my personal inspiration, @urinalsofucla, on Instagram.