Bruin Review

By Jordin Wang

Give me power to divulge,
O Muse, how dudebros boast their bulge,
What ventures they must take to share
Their rearing members everywhere,
And for what passions in return
They, sliding in DM’s, do yearn.

From Beta Theta Pi on Gayley
Chad B. Branson sallies daily
Hoping for some sweet diversion
(Maybe Asian: Hindi, Persian)
To spend a drunken midnight stand with
And share the glory of his…bandwidth.

But on this day, he stays at home
And tries a new app on his phone: 
‘Tis Bumble, where the single shawties
Reach out to their chosen hawties.
Some freshman no doubt would be down 
To sojourn into boner town.
So here he sits, an hour or more,
Perusing booties on the floor
Between a pile of muddy jeans 
And dog-eared Men’s Health magazines.
“She’s got dat ass, but she’s too thin.
This one’s got acne; a Bernie pin?”
Those lefty chicks are pretty wild…”
He adds her to his wank bank file
And as he swipes on all the girls
His member stealthily unfurls…
Yet here! A perfect match! Success!
He boo-yahs, starts to half undress,
And checks the profile picture: Maddy 
Looks like she would want a daddy.
Fishnets, earrings, spiky collar:
This babe would be a total baller.
He snaps a pic of his half-mast
And waits with hope in hand: at last 
He’d break his two-week blueball streak
And get it with a D cup freak.

To be continued…