By Dhruv Krishan
Last Fall, everyone was forced out of their underwear and back into pants. In an interview conducted by Foxy News’ respected journalist, Clicks-are-lyf, College Dean Pretentious Asshattold the world how happy he was to stuff two batches of freshmen alongside antisocial juniors and seniors back into old college dorms.
Then, after we got a taste of freedom, Omicron happened and we hit the “in person activities will resume by… ” phase again, before cautiously tiptoeing back to class a second time. At this point, it’s only a matter of time before some other godforsaken variant pops up again. That’s why I’m here to completely obliterate the notion that the world has to fight to regain human association, and convince you to just live life at home.
Amongst all this ‘will we, won’t we?’ uncertainty, social interactions have become awkward to the extent that you can’t even use the trusted fake laugh to get out of them.
How do you talk to people that aren’t your mom? What do I say to the girl who started a social service initiative during Covid? All I did was sleep. How is this guy still so fit? Oh, he’s one of those home gym people. It’s like everyone was isolated for years, and then just thrown onto a crowded campus! Wait, that’s exactly what happened.
Speaking of hygiene and cleanliness, a rude awakening for
me was the fact that when classes are in person, you can’t show up
to them looking like you don’t care about what the professor will say.
You have to clean up, shower, and change. But here’s the issue with
“in-person” dorm life: decent showers don’t exist! I hope the Ice W Bucket challenge starts up again, that’s how bad I crave good water
pressure. No wait, classes are in person now, and I should be grateful
for the unidentified black amoeba-like objects in the shower. What’s
the big deal if I have to spend 30 minutes in the shower at the behest of singular water droplets? I’ll only be late for my 8 am lecture, which
is a 20 minute walk away for me, unless I spend $5 on a Bird scooter,
or learn how to ride a skateboard. Even if I somehow get there on
time, I probably won’t get in unless I’ve filled out the damn symptom
survey. But college is in person now, and I should be grateful. What’s
that? My professor is recording the lectures? Phew, some hope. There
are passwords to the recordings though? That I can only get if I go to
the 8 am lectures?
All this opposed to cheating (my bad, *collaborating*) on exams without a care in the world? Netflix-ing the whole day and still getting the best grades of my life? Attending lectures in my Hawaiian boxers? No, in-person life, I don’t love you. I only love my bed and my mom, I’m sorry.