Finding Your Soulmate on Zoom

By Julia Torres

Tired of Tinder and Hinge? Can’t remember the last time you truly felt all hot and bothered? Look no further!

As we approach yet another quarter without fully in-person classes, I say we put those online discussion sessions to good use…specifically with Zoom DMs.

Let’s be honest—we have all had a Zoom crush at some point. Recall how a special someone once made you flustered enough to scroll through an endless sea of rectangles after joining a Zoom call to see if they had their video camera on. You’d wake up a few minutes earlier, do your hair, pick out your favorite shirt (while still in your pajama pants, of course), and check that the lighting in your room was properly highlighting your best features. What a time.

Harness the power of Zoom romance for yourself with this DIY manual: let’s play Zoom Smash or Pass.

1. Check out your prospective love interests

Take a look at your class planner: are you neglecting a Zoom discussion out of sheer disinterest? If that’s the case, resuscitate your academic motivations with the idea that you could find the
one at any given moment. Take the time to scroll through the Zoom participants in your classes. You never know who you might find. When (or rather, if) you find someone even remotely enticing, try pinning them to your screen to see them more clearly; the tiny Zoom rectangles can be deceitful, so make sure you are fully informed about your potential Zoom crush.

If their camera is off, immediately disregard them. If they can’t even participate in class, how will they be able to participate in a long-term relationship?!

2. Do your research

Once your target has been spotted—and this step is vital—find them on Instagram.
Do they have a partner? Are they an only child? Do they caption their posts with Drake lyrics a few too many times for your liking?

These are all red flags you should be aware of. In the event that they don’t have an Instagram account at all…move on immediately.

3. Turn on your charm.

This is where Zoom messages come into play! Find some sort
of excuse to private message your classmate of choice. Perhaps something along the lines of:
Hey! This is super random, but do you have a Quizlet I could use for the midterm? lol
The bond you will create through your shared feelings of stress about the midterm will be powerful. It’s the perfect strategy.
After you find your “in,” keep a few things in mind:

• Keep witty conversations flowing while making sure to flirt more than usual: a lot can get lost through a screen.

• In your chats, know the difference between “there,” “their,” and “they’re.” Please.

• Don’t accidentally send your chats to the whole class. You would be surprised at how often this happens and it’s always awkward.

4. Secure the bag

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! You must be somewhat likable…at least over the Internet.
If things are really going well, may I suggest GroupMe DMs? That will really take things to the next level.

The truth is that this pandemic has dramatically hindered our social skills. We are slowly becoming more and more desperate, and on top of that, we have no game. With this in mind, take my advice and synthesize learning and flirting. You have nothing to lose, so make Zoom the ultimate dating platform!

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