New Spring Quarter Reforms

By Kayla Gerber

Welcome to spring quarter, Bruins! We’re determined to ensure that everyone gets to go back to school during this lovely winter season! We care about money your safety and your health. We know how much everyone misses campus, and you know how much we miss your quarterly tuition dues. Time is money, baby. Please look at the following reforms carefully as these guidelines must be followed by everyone, unless you’re an athlete.

Reform #1: N95 Masks

N95 masks will be handed out to every single student on UCLA’s campus, to get us back on track. Requiring students to wear these masks inside, outside, and all around campus will stop the spread
of the virus. These masks will also be distributed by new pledge
class members at the doors of every fraternity and sorority. “We are determined to keep everyone safe. If you are in need, find a fellow brother who will immediately provide you with some unopened hand sanitizer and a PCR kit, at any party” says Jack from Sigma Apple Pie.

Reform #2: Symptom monitoring survey.

We are diligent and aware through our symptom monitoring survey. If you have contracted COVID, you have to click the button that says so. If you think you don’t have COVID, you’re good to go. Remember, you cannot get on campus without this survey, so it weeds out everyone who has COVID. Thus, nobody will be sick on campus. The symptom monitoring survey is also great at keeping track of people at large gatherings. If you don’t have your vax card at Roccos, no problem, pull up our symptom monitoring survey. Bonus: it doesn’t have your birthday.

Reform #3: Covid-19 tests every day

We are making students test daily, motivating them with the free mints we put in every testing vending machine. UCLA is also selling negative PCR tests for $25.99 if you don’t have time to take one. 

Reform #4: In-person classes every day
Potential shooter on campus? Shouldn’t be an issue. Professors know how important in-person midterms are. Professor Robert of the Communications Department cares about his students. Even though the potential shooter’s location was unknown, Robert suggested that “We can just lock the doors when attending class. The shooter’s only gonna be at the philosophy buildings, and we’re at the communications building, so we should be good.” Dr. Robert is committed to his students’ safety. After asking students how they felt about being on campus despite the threats, many were not worried at all. “The shooter can’t get on campus, he hasn’t filled out his symptom monitoring survey yet,” said sophomore Drew Anderson. “Stay positive and test negative so we can all stay on campus.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s