UCLA’s Guide to Healthy Living

By: Lucas Willey

Here at UCLA, we take the utmost pride in our healthy and attractive student body. UCLA plans on plastering our students on the front of every university advertising brochure, so to ensure high application rates for the upcoming years, we offer this more than suggestive health plan for our students to follow religiously.

1. We construct health conscious environments for our students. Bruin
Bowl, for example, creates an atmosphere that thrives on patience. The
line wrapping around the building has a 100% guarantee of shrinking your
stomach to half its size by the time you get to the front, essentially an
organic gastric bypass. This ensures that you will only need half as much
food in your stomach to satisfy your daily hunger cravings.

2. Eating disorder triggers are woven into the fabric of each UCLA
dining hall as well. Each half-portioned entree that is served is exquisitely plated on its own full-size plate. As you clean up from your finished meal, you will be carrying at least 25 plates in your hands. This initiative creates a certain “walk of shame,” as you balance your stack of meal trash and dishes while walking to the conveyor belt. The walk of shame is, beautifully enough, all that is needed to make you feel like a fat ass every time you finish a meal.

3. Additionally, when walking by any dining hall, students are met with the scent of sheer filth. Contrary to popular belief, the placement of these horrid smell pockets, described as the love child of hamburger grease and rotting flesh, are very purposeful! When you take one breath outside a dining hall, a 50% loss of appetite is guaranteed before you even enter the building!

4. Our third food option, new to campus this year, is the four food trucks (two on the weekends) placed in front of Rieber and Sproul hall, catering to the mere 15,000 students living on the hill. Students who need a quick pick-me-up meal or are too busy to go to a dining hall now have the option to trade in their meal swipe for a food truck ticket. How fantastic! This meal swipe, which could give you all-you-can-eat access at any dining hall, translates to one meal ticket, for which you can acquire a single chicken finger and maybe even three curly fries if the workers are feeling generous. This well portioned meal allows our students on-the-go to maintain their quick metabolism. The efficiency of waiting in a line of 15 people instead of 40 is enough to fill the void in the stomachs of the hungry student body, keeping you fitter, fresher, and healthier than ever.

5. UCLA recommends that you walk to class as much as possible! Every hill is constructed to mimic a 12-3-30 treadmill workout in the gym, so your ass feels every inch of that incline. In fact, transfer to a humanities major if you are committed to the cause! We added a special hill on north campus to balance out any of those kooky liberal arts students who may be going too hard in the kitchen

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