Breaking Down the Breakup

By Anu Shivakumar
We’re not good for each other.” “I need to focus on
myself.” “It isn’t going to work out long-term.”
The words that lead to waterworks, to changing their name on your
phone to “Do not text under any circumstances.” The words that
lead to watching Dirty Dancing 16 times in succession. If you’re out
there going through this: we’re here to help. Take a break from that
JuiceWRLD album and follow the guide below to accelerate your
personal growth and maturity. Forget about leaning on friends and
family—a Bruin Review article and a bottle of your favorite coping
mechanism is all you need.

1. Strengthen your relationships with your friends by only opening up
to your ex. Tell them how much you miss them romantically, about
once a week. Show everyone else how great you’re doing and how
you’ve totally moved on, every day. Your first priority is appearing like
you’re on top of the world.

2. Once you run out of photos they’ve posted, go through each of
their tagged photos. Zoom in on every potential partner, and make
sure to dwell on each possibility out there. Inspect comments, likes,
and captions with a diligent thoroughness.

3. Lean on substances. You get a pass! Bonus points if you text them
at the end of the night.

4. You have got to be on top of those Snapchat stories. It is
imperative that they know you are having way more fun than they are.
Search their name up in the list of viewers every minute or so after
you post a story. Make sure they know you’re out and about—save
the crying into your pillow for off-camera.

5. Definitely ask them to casually meet up every day after the
breakup, so you can ensure they don’t get over you. It always goes

6. Immediately jump into a serious relationship. You need to fill that
void, and it doesn’t matter who you fill it with!

7. Badmouth them to every person you see. You’ve got to hate them,
but that’s not enough—everyone else must hate them too. That’s
what helps you let go! Turn them into an idea, and make sure to get
carried away.

8. Keep hanging out with all their best friends, not because you like those friends, but so that you can keep tabs on your ex. You can’t
move forward without staying updated.

9. Don’t forget that you will get back together. You just have to
convince them.

Ultimately, all you can do is try to be the person they wanted you to
be. You got this! And if you ever feel like you can’t shape up, get cozy
watching rom-coms in their sweatshirt and remember there is no one
else out there for you.

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