UCLA-Inspired Recipes

By Kayla Gerber

We all miss when life was simple. Remember when our biggest problem was Covel closing down for spring quarter? Now we’re all just sitting in our apartments eating ramen on our used couches bought off some rando from Facebook marketplace. Let’s face it, we’re bored and frustrated with absolutely nowhere to go. To take us back to the good old days, when we ate the #1 campus food in the world… Here are a few easy apartment recipes inspired by UCLA’s exquisite dining halls. 

1.  Three carrots drizzled with a thin layer of ranch inspired by B-plate

Serves: 3 Sorority Girls

Difficulty: Complicated

Preparation Time: 10 Minutes

Cooking Time: 2 Minutes

Ingredients: Carrots and ranch

Instructions: Carefully grab three carrots. Do not wash them because you are in need of the extra protein that dirt leaves on carrots. Here comes the hard part: slowly drizzle the ranch in a side by side manner onto the carrots. Be creative with it. Go crazy. Enjoy. 

Side notes from the chef: This dish is sophisticated and classy. The portions are equivalent to B-plate itself. It’s healthy and perfect for a post-workout dinner. It fills your stomach up with just enough food so that the liquor you drink an hour later goes straight to your liver, equipping you to get white girl wasted as fast as possible. I especially recommend this dish to anyone in greek life. 

2. Moldy Cheese Quesadillas inspired by Rende

Serves: 2 UCLA students

Difficulty: Medium

Preparation Time: 5 Days

Cooking Time: 15 Mins

Ingredients: Tortillas and cheese that you left on your countertop and forgot to use

Instructions: First off, make sure that your cheese is rotten enough for the smell to waft through your living room and inspire you to get cooking. Next, get a tortilla. Carefully place the cheese into the tortilla on high heat. Results include a meal just like the ones at Rende— you’re welcome. 

3. A single slice of burnt toast inspired by SAE

Serves: You and your last hookup

Difficulty: Extremely hard when hungover

Preparation Time: 10 Minutes

Cooking Time: 15 Minutes

Ingredients: Bread

Instructions: Carefully place the toast in the microwave. DO NOT take it out until your kitchen smells like something is burning and all your fire alarms are going  off. Perfect. 

Side note: *SAE is not a dining hall but raiding their kitchen for food is a great way to enjoy breakfast 

4. Make your own pizza (with cricket toppings) inspired by The Study 

Serves: Your whole floor

Difficulty: Easy

Preparation Time: 10 Minutes

Cooking Time: 20 Minutes

Ingredients: Pizza dough and molasses

Instructions: Lightly roll the dough on your sheet lined with parchment paper. Next, add a spoonful of molasses into a bowl with water. Place the bowl in the cricket-infested zone of your apartment (We all have one, don’t be shy). Watch the crickets drown in a sweet and savory sauce. The insects are now ready to be placed on your pizza as an essential topping that replicates those found at The Study.

*Super efficient because you’ve been meaning to kill the crickets and now you have a pizza topping that offers both nutrition and calories.

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