By Sofia Bouzarif
Girl Scout cookie season is around the corner. Every God-fearing American knows that Girl Scout cookies are the only thing that holds this country together. Regardless of background, upbringing, or origin, if you bring a Thin Mint pack to a social gathering, everyone will bear arms for the chance to win a crumb. Yet, something nefarious brews within the Girl Scout organization. Like guerrilla armies, they set up their outposts without us realizing they are there. Rain or shine, Girl Scout soldiers are posted in their uniforms in front of your local grocery store with a sinister smile and hope that you’ll buy from their troop. No matter the time of day, children guard your path from the stronghold, refusing passage until buying their product or providing proof of purchase.
I served six years on the force and was fed propaganda that selling cookies builds character and business smarts. The real business, however, is convincing 6 to 8-year-olds and their mothers that humiliating yourself in exchange for 2% of sales is worth a plastic badge. The Girl Scout organization convinced generations of Americans that their cookie company is a foundation designed to prepare young girls for a lifetime of success and leadership. Last I checked, success does not look like a peace sign bandana after putting in 400 hours of free labor. The Girl Scout organization is indulging in its craving for sweet, tantalizing moolah with fresh child labor practices. We spent years breaking our developing backs carrying crates of cookies our size and weight for the chance to take a trip to Disneyland that will be paid for by our parents anyways. The Girl Scouts organization is nothing more than a Scientologist-esque organization letting you accumulate more points for a better title within a corporation that gives nothing and to whom you sell your soul.
For the small price of trauma caused by strangers yelling at you for soliciting and scrubbing your elementary school’s water fountain with lemon and baking soda, you can become (or force your future daughters to become) American Girl Scouts; the publicly funded and encouraged instigators of a human rights crisis.