Recruitment in a Nutshell: Your guide to Internship Hunting

By Anu Shivakumar

Ah, the glorious days of wondering if you’ll be able to afford breakfast after you graduate. While it’s easy to pretend the college experience is about intellectual exploration and life lessons, let’s not forget what’s really important here: the rat race. Getting ahead of everyone around you as an entire undergrad class competes for two spots at a corporate giant is the real beauty of higher education. Surprise! They chose internally. I’m sure all those neglected hobbies and complete foregoing of your social life were worth it. Ladies and gentlemen, here is your guide to job hunting.

Step 1: Cold emails, cold responses.

Those email address finders online are your second best friend. After copy and paste, of course. Send 100 cold emails, and you may get a single, automated response. Don’t forget follow-ups! Annoying a working professional is a guaranteed path to success. I’m sure that poor UCLA alum can’t get enough of your “I’m really passionate about” nonsense. I bet he’s so glad he left his email on the company website.

Step 2: Your “will do anything for a text back” point. Except it’s for a job.

So you’re starting to get desperate. We’ve all been there. Next, go ahead and snag that LinkedIn free trial. Will it help? Probably not. Aside from the hours you’ll waste stalking people with lower GPAs and better jobs than you, InMail is the one thing more ignored than those people flyering on BruinWalk. But that doesn’t mean you won’t give it a shot and be disappointed anyway!

Step 3: Kiss ass. Kiss more ass.

Hype up that dude your cousin’s dog’s babysitter knows, who’s peripherally in the same industry. Explain how you’re just so inspired by the generic technical work he does. Remember that how much you inflate his ego is directly proportional to how far you’ll go in your professional career. Tell him you’d love to chat sometime! And when he cancels on you a week later, smile and nod. It’s going to be a long time before you’re on the other side of this table.

Step 4: Networking during Corona

It’s a hoot trying to get people to chat when they can ghost you at any second. Keep sending those follow-up emails, straight to their spam folder. The desperation in your voice can no longer guilt trip them—you’re just another email address now. Remember that you aren’t working hard enough until your LinkedIn handle is on your Tinder. You never know who might be able to slide you a referral!

Step 4: The bureaucracy

Surprise! Your homie with the 2.0 got his superday at the company you liked. Must be his strong work ethic! It’s the icing on the cake when you realize how many hours you spent doing your homework instead of making friends with people who have rich parents.

Step 5: But… for what?

And then suddenly one of those connections finally responds. It’s at the worst company you applied to, whatever. Get excited! It’s time to sell your soul and become a full-time cog in the capitalist machine.

Warm regards,

A desperate college student berating the system because I can’t get in. Maybe ”satire writer” will finally bump my resume up to half a page.

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