Elevation Through Expansion: Mick Cronin’s New Positions

By Chris Higginbotham 

5’7”.

Rich.

Powerful.

49 Years Young.

This isn’t your friend’s hot mom. 

This isn’t Mark Walhberg.

It’s Mick Cronin.

Coach Mick “Testicle Head” Cronin has already revitalized the UCLA Men’s Basketball Program in his 2 seasons with the team, leading the Bruins to their first Final Four appearance in over a decade! Already a better coach byresults than most coaches in UCLA history, we hope Mick is here to stay (same goes for Johnny Juzang, but that’s another article entirely).

Following his success on the hardwood, the UCLA administration extended an invitation to Cronin to join the academic faculty andelevate other formerly-struggling programs. Hoping to boost his meager $4 Million/yr salary, Cronin agreed to lead the Mechanical Engineering program, re-invent curriculum for the World Arts and Cultures/Dance major, and replace the aging, struggling Chip Kelly as Head Football Coach.

Mechanical Engineering

Ranked only 93rd in the country, the Mechanical Engineering Department falls far from the 4th overall position Cronin was able to achieve with the basketball team. Having already nurtured stellar engineers (shoutout Russell Stong) and mastered the physics of putting balls in holes, Cronin is ready to breathe new life into UCLA’s engineers.   

Former Department Chair Timothy S. Fisher (author of hood classic “Flow Boiling in a Micro-Channel Coated with Carbon Nanotubes”) endorsed Cronin to replace him on Thursday. 

Dance

Ever heard the old adage that the best football players take ballet? Per the Cronin- Certified Training Program™, the best basketball players practice contemporary pole dance. When asked about his training regime, Cronin puffed out his chest and said, “hell, these boys have mastered moving quickly and looking sexy af. Next logical step is to have them take their shoes off and strut it for Abby Lee Miller.”

Ranked only 38th overall among undergraduate dance programs, our students were in need of Cronin’s magic.  

Football

Chocolate-Chip Kelly is 7-18 in his tenure as a head coach at UCLA. With win-loss numbers looking more like the sentence for selling crack, Chip had to go.

If Cronin can make a title contender from the athletic Play-Doh he was handed when he signed on as basketball coach, our Bruin Football Team might become something great. Disgusted that a Power 5 Football team has become an excuse for alcoholism and minor-in-possession charges at tailgates, UCLA handed Cronin the roster and Chip’s outrageous $3.5M/yr salary.

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