Feeding Frenzy

By Allison Malone

Construction: it’s nobody’s favorite thing to wake up to, especially when paying upwards of $4,000 a quarter for room and board on campus. It’s unacceptable for residents in Hitch and Saxon especially to be woken up at 7 a.m. when construction starts on the new housing complexes next door – but the convenience of living on the Hill still outweighs the detriments, right?

Wrong.

UCLA is building two new housing structures on the Hill, but many people don’t realize that no additional dining halls are in the works to go with them. Why should we worry about that, though? The omelet line at de Neve can obviously handle a huge influx of additional patrons, even if dining hours aren’t extended. It goes so fast already, what could possibly be the consequence of adding a few (thousand) more residential students to feed?

Maybe dining halls should be shut down altogether. That would certainly fix the overcrowding problem. Instead of eating inside, administration could experiment with feeding troughs.

Just picture it – long lines of students on either side of a deep feeding trench where B Plate Barbecue can mix with De Neve’s molten brownie cake. Maybe even a few stray noodles from Covel’s pasta bar will make an appearance… delicious and efficient! And more than that, it ensures that all students get the same thing. You never have to worry about running out of a certain dish if everything is mixed together into one massive stew. If anything, it would ensure a more balanced diet.

Overall, students really have nothing to worry about. Alternatives to building a new dining hall are so easy to come by, even someone who doesn’t work in administration can think of them!

Here are some other ideas:

– Make students pay to eat out in Westwood

– Encourage students to just skip meals (three meals a day is a bit excessive, don’t you think?)

– Experiment with non-traditional cooking. Did you know it’s possible to make grilled cheese in your dorm room with an iron? The fire alarms would have to go if that method were to really take off, but what a small price to pay for quick, easy food!

– Require all freshmens’ dads to grill constantly in the parking lots

– Try tube feeding at the Ashe Center

– Vegetarians & vegans: Why not try a little taste of the Royce lawn grass?

– Hunt and eat the squirrels around Kerkhoff

As you can see, there are plenty of alternatives to dining halls, so any concern on the part of campus residents is totally unfounded. There’s always food to go around, provided you’re willing to work for it. And as it says in the UCLA mission statement, the University values open-mindedness, so at least give these options a try before protesting.

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